Loss

So yesterday, day 15, my hair started falling out. It started with just a few strands at a time, but it was the day I had been dreading since sitting in the oncologist’s office all those weeks ago.

 

 

Yesterday I was still able to joke about my impending hair loss and be practical about its management.  Watching the YouTube videos and making sure I knew how to tie a scarf securely…

 

 

But after a second uncomfortable night, my second “fill” not being as painless as the first.  I woke up this morning to another new reality and hair pretty much everywhere.  I am truly amazed looking in the mirror right now that there is actually any left on my head!  Every time I put my hand up to my tender scalp, it comes away with a fist full of strands.

 

 

We had already decided that once my hair showed signs of shedding, Pete would shave it off to at least a number 1 cut, so that the hair fall would be easier to control and not clog up all our drains! I guess that’s today’s job then…

 

 

I had honestly thought I was prepared for this day, especially after all the warnings and armed with the knowledge that it was inevitable.  I have been constantly reminding myself how fortunate I am; that my diagnosis is a good one and that there are so many people out there who would be grateful to be in my situation than have the cards they have been dealt.

 

But today I don’t feel grateful. My spirit is exhausted and my body is sore. Today I’m not going to be strong and pretend this is all ok and that it could be worse.  Today I’m a girl losing her hair and all it represents. Today I am just going to be sad and mourn another loss.

 

 

“Tears are words that need to be written”. Paulo Coelho

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. Walter Anderson

I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life”. Conor Oberst

 

 

“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”.

  – Chinese Proverb

 

 

“Sorrows cannot be all explained away in a life truly lived, grief and loss accumulate like possessions”. Stefan Kanfer

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Loss

  1. There are no words to describe your bravery and courage, today as I shaved off your hair – its was your hand wiping the tears from my eyes – and it should be the other way around.

    I know last week, I was not ready for this – and I don’t think I was ever going to be ready – but today its happened and we made it through.

    Again, we’re back here – feeling fragile – and thats ok. This is a cruel and unrelenting path, one step forward seems to equate to 5 steps backwards. All I can say is that I love you and I’m so grateful that you chose to fight this battle – selfishly purely because it means I get to have more time with you, but it means that although its cloudy and gloomy now – we will have times of sunshine again, and its knowledge of that which will keep us going.

    Love you, always xxx

    “Sometimes we have to loose something precious to gain something priceless”

    “They say you don’t know what you have until its gone. But the truth is, you knew exactly what you had you just thought you would never loose it”

    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.” Winnie the Pooh

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  2. “At the temple there is a poem called “Loss” carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.”
    ― Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

    This is such a long difficult journey, and although it would be better not to be walking it, I for one am honoured to be able to keep you company on the road…another uphill looms this week, and you are in my thoughts and prayers…..

    Like

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