So yesterday, day 15, my hair started falling out. It started with just a few strands at a time, but it was the day I had been dreading since sitting in the oncologist’s office all those weeks ago.
Yesterday I was still able to joke about my impending hair loss and be practical about its management. Watching the YouTube videos and making sure I knew how to tie a scarf securely…
But after a second uncomfortable night, my second “fill” not being as painless as the first. I woke up this morning to another new reality and hair pretty much everywhere. I am truly amazed looking in the mirror right now that there is actually any left on my head! Every time I put my hand up to my tender scalp, it comes away with a fist full of strands.
We had already decided that once my hair showed signs of shedding, Pete would shave it off to at least a number 1 cut, so that the hair fall would be easier to control and not clog up all our drains! I guess that’s today’s job then…
I had honestly thought I was prepared for this day, especially after all the warnings and armed with the knowledge that it was inevitable. I have been constantly reminding myself how fortunate I am; that my diagnosis is a good one and that there are so many people out there who would be grateful to be in my situation than have the cards they have been dealt.
But today I don’t feel grateful. My spirit is exhausted and my body is sore. Today I’m not going to be strong and pretend this is all ok and that it could be worse. Today I’m a girl losing her hair and all it represents. Today I am just going to be sad and mourn another loss.
“Tears are words that need to be written”. Paulo Coelho
“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. Walter Anderson
I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life”. Conor Oberst
“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair”.
– Chinese Proverb
“Sorrows cannot be all explained away in a life truly lived, grief and loss accumulate like possessions”. Stefan Kanfer