2 months

My second chemo weekend done and dusted and I think I slept through most of it! I cannot believe how exhausted my body has been this time around. Having learned to use my anti-nausea medication more effectively has allowed me to focus on getting more rest and not on my queasy tummy.  I guess that’s what this fighting process is all about, learning, adapting and never forgetting…

 

I have a busy week ahead of physio, blood tests and my 3rd fill. Today is also 2 months since my surgery; two months of physical, emotional and spiritual upheavals.  Learning to take one step at a time, trying not to look back but also remembering it is impossible to look too far ahead for fear of being overwhelmed by the journey still ahead.  

 

It’s been a time of contradictions, insecurities, pain of physical and mental scars; being expected to be stronger than you have ever had to be in your life, when realistically you have never felt so weak…  Sometimes the ugliness of it seemed just too overwhelming.  So much easier to just lay down and let it consume… to give up trying to put on a brave face, telling the world you are fine as it’s actually impossible to put into words how scared and out of depth you actually feel, and let’s be honest – who actually wants to hear that.

 

Over the last two months I have found that the only way it has been possible to keep this chaotic new life in perspective has been to write about each unfolding chapter, every experience. To be able to process so I can continue getting up in the mornings and never forget to keep moving forward.

 

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength”.  Theodore Rooseveld

 

“Life can be funny and serious.  We either laugh over it or cry over it.  But Life itself doesn’t care about such reactions.  It goes on.”  Terry Mark

 

 “Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light”. Madeleine L Engle

 

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are”. Unknown

 

“All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward”. Ellen Glasgow

 

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”  Ernest Hemingway

 

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5 thoughts on “2 months

  1. I cannot believe it has been 2 months already… It still feels like just yesterday that we started this journey. I can still remember the chilling call confirming our worst fear, the endless appointments and the waiting… The relief when I saw you after the op, the worrying when you were in pain, the joy when you came back home and started recovering. The first fill, then the oncologists and the dreaded treatment plan.

    Chemo takes it all, you constantly seem to have to give and it gladly takes and demands more each time. I hate that you have to keep on going through this, seeing the toll it takes on your body and mind breaks my heart. The only consolation I can offer is that the chemo does not last forever, its for a period of time – and we’re already 2 treatments down… more than half way through the red devil, the rest well – we will take that as it comes but it too has a timeline.

    Its been two hard months, and I can’t promise plain sailing for the next few either. All I can promise is that I will be by your side whenever you need me.

    “life is slippery, here take my hand.” H Jackson Brown Jnr

    “We are human. We are not perfect. We are alive. We try things. We make mistakes. We stumble. We fall. We get hurt. We rise again. We try again. We keep learning. We keep growing. And we are thankful for this priceless opportunity called life.” Unknown

    I have to admit, like so many women, I always knew there was a chance. But like so many women, I never thought it would be me. I never thought I’d hear those devastating words: ‘You have breast cancer.’
    Debbie Wasserman Schultz

    I respect those who smile in trouble, gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. – LEONARDO DA VINCI

    Hang in there, stay strong – I love you xxx

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  2. 2 months down the road of a journey you had no intention of taking, but here you are, on the road, looking ahead with courage and conviction. Congratulations!I see the path is not an easy one, and at times it must be so inviting to lie down and be consumed, but we see you get up, pick up your burden and carry on the journey-that is a brave noble choice. I salute you, and your chemo buddies.

    How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else.

    R. Buckminster Fuller

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  3. Thinking of you today as you go for your fill.
    “We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop and look fear in the face….we must do that which we think we cannot.’ Eleanor Roosevelt

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  4. Dearest Janine,
    We think of you every day and wish you strength and courage to face the day ahead.
    Your blogs make us laugh and make us cry and make our stomachs churn with fear, dread and hope.
    We picture your beautiful smile and stunning blue eyes and think they will be even more beautiful even when there is no hair !
    We wish there was some way of assisting you along this scarry journey along the path never travelled. But from your blogs we can see that you are coping so well and we are proud of you and admire your courage and your honesty !
    Keep writing so we can follow your progress to full recovery and we can celebrate each step no matter

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