Friday saw me heading back to the Cancer centre armed with a chocolate beer box cake and some pink ribbon roses which I had made (the roses I mean, not the cake – cancer may have given me a different perspective on life, but it hasn’t turned me into a baker!). I wasn’t quite sure how to thank the staff and sisters for taking such good care of me over the last 5 and a half months, how do you even begin…. but chocolate seemed a good way to try!
Friday would have been the last official day of my chemo plan and arriving at the cancer centre had me feeling rather conflicted. Trying not to look too happy or appearing insensitive to all those soldiers on their lazy boys, but so relieved that it wasn’t me….or was I?
Now before I sound completely derranged, I mean WHO in their right mind would be anything but overjoyed at finishing chemo?! However it’s amazing how self preservation beats logic, every time.
I was suddenly assulted by all these doubts, what happens if recurrance occurs because I finished chemo early, how will they know the cancer hasn’t started growing in the last 2 weeks, afterall I hadn’t been for my weekly bloods…. The first scan will only be done after surgery, so much can happen in that time….perhaps risking permanent nerve damage wasn’t such a big thing, perhaps I should have insisted I have the last two…
I had to stop and give myself a stern talking to and not to give in to self doubts. The alternative was to rush off to the Dent Docs office and beg for my remaining chemo!
I remember very clearly on a visit to the physio all those months ago when my bloods were low and there was a chance of not having chemo the next day, how stressed I was about that. The physio just smiled and said to me “wait until chemo is over, when that security blanket is ripped away, you may battle with the adjustment”. I thought to myself WHATEVER, there is no way I am going to be anything than thrilled to have it behind me! But, I now understand what she meant…
“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” Meredith Grey quotes
“When you finally accept that it’s OK not to have answers and it’s OK not to be perfect, you realise that feeling confused is a normal part of what it is to be a human being” Winona Ryder
“Conflict is the beginning of consciousness”. M. Esther Harding