So today’s one of those days, you know the ones I’m talking about, when you wonder whether the day should be significantly acknowledged or whether you should even bother getting out of bed….
But, I guess there is no way of getting away from it, today IS a significant day. It is exactly 365 days since my diagnosis.
When I look back on this week, a year ago, it all started rather innocently with a routine visit to my GP for my annual lady bits check-up and for her to just check on a lump which didn’t feel quite “right”……it ended not so innocently with mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies and a trip back to her office for the not so good news….
I remember sitting in her rooms thinking quite calmly, that my life was over. I had lost my mom to cancer a few months after I turned 13, so in my mind was a child’s firmly fixed point of reference… Was there any point to the surgery? Once they started cutting the cancer would spread, that was my complete and unequivocal thinking… why should I bother?
Then something changed… I remember driving home later in that same week from yet another scan or doc visit…. I had my radio on and was hearing about the horrific mini bus and truck accident on Fields Hill – 27 ordinary people with families and lives who were never going to make it home that evening….
It was as if the blur of the week came into crystal clear focus…… That could have been me – I could have been driving home from the GP giddy with the news that it wasn’t a lump I needed to be worried about, killed by a runaway truck…
Rather morbid I know – but certainly possible… and just the perspective that I needed….
Who the hell was I to even think of giving up?
Perspective has been my best friend and my worst enemy ever since. It has shown me that despite the physical and mental pain of this year, there has always been someone whose situation was far more dire than my own. And I’m not just saying that to be glib – I do know, because I have met some of them.
****BUT also really annoying when I just felt like having a feel sorry for myself kind of day…..!****
Today is another change of perspective for me. If I only look at this day from the perspective of ME and the cancer – and let’s be honest here, this year has most certainly been all about me and the cancer – it has been an awful, awful year.
But realistically I also know it hasn’t just been about me…and things have not been continuously awful. It’s also been about the incredible people I have met, the friends and family who have taken me to treatments, made me laugh when I really didn’t have much to laugh about, sent messages, brought meals and quite often – another change of perspective….
And it has been about Pete…
Both of our lives changed a year ago.
So I would rather remember today as being the day I looked back and fully realised just what an amazing human being and husband he is; and just how lucky I have been to have him hold my hand along every step of this unexpected journey.
You are my everything Pete and I honestly can say that I love you more today than I could have even comprehended a year ago…
“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone’s hand is the beginning of a journey. At other times, it is allowing another to take yours…” Vera Nazarain
“ We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know it for the first time.” TS Eliot
“Forget what hurt you but never what it taught you” Anon
“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of
perception.” Aldous Huxley
“Often it isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you out, it’s the little pebble in your shoe.” Muhammad Ali
“When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.”Jarod Kintz