“For 2014 my biggest hope is pretty simple: to regain an identity in a life without breast cancer AND special people to share it with.”
This quote was taken directly from my blog post last New Year’s Eve, the sum of my 2014 New Year’s resolutions.
Such simple and rather sad expectations you may think!
Even I was surprised re-reading this year old post. Seriously, was that it? Where were all the promises of climbing mountains, sky diving, visiting the great Wall of China, the juicing plans, the making each minute count kinda thing??? For goodness sake – where was the humour?
You always imagine that if the life you have known had pretty much ground to a halt and if you had recently come face to face with your own mortality, your expectations of the year ahead would be filled with bucket lists: things to do, places to see….. Surely if you had to take your last breath you never wanted to feel as if you had missed out on the life you always imagined for yourself?
OK, in my defence, at the time I wrote it I wasn’t exactly feeling all that enthusiastic or hopeful about the new year. I was still facing more months of chemo, followed by surgery, radiation, scans and some tough decisions. The life I was leading at that moment was all consuming and thinking about anything beyond that was certainly not good for my mental well-being!
So strangely looking back on those two resolutions with the experience of this past year, it’s kinda brought me back down to earth with a bump! Perhaps it wasn’t written in a negative or defensive frame of mind, or with a dread of the new year, or even in a chemo filled blur.
Perhaps I just finally got it.
Life is simple. It’s us who complicate it with the things we feel are supposed to be of value. The things we tell ourselves we should be like or where we should be in our lives.
It makes me realise how far I had come, and I don’t mean that in the “look how more positive I am about life and my future” kinda way; but in the “look how much I have already forgotten about the lessons this unexpected journey has taught me” way. About priorities, about valuing people over things, about valuing time and not the filling of it with activities and distractions. About looking in the mirror and having to accept what you see beyond the scars.
And it makes me realise just how un-achievable that all must have seemed on the day I actually typed those words…
So this year my resolutions are even more simple…….”ditto”
“Your self-esteem won’t come from body parts. You need to step away from the mirror every once in a while, and look for another reflection, like the one in the eyes of the people who love you and admire you.” Stacy London
“Your writing voice is the deepest possible reflection of who you are. The job of your voice is not to seduce or flatter or make well-shaped sentences. In your voice, your readers should be able to hear the contents of your mind, your heart, your soul.” Meg Rosoff