1st Red Devil
Chemotherapy ….. mmm how do I feel today now that I’m actually here, sitting in my comfy lazy boy chair watching these drugs go into my veins? With all the past weeks of turmoil, tantrums and being so conflicted? Resigned? Accepting? The chemo sister had a good word….pragmatic.
So many drips, I can see why they say it can take two and a half hours to administer! The first one is cortisone, one of the drugs to help combat the chemo side effects, then Doxorubicin aka “the red devil” mostly due to its neon red colour and its potency! A rather large pill to take for nausea (I was very relieved when I was told it was to be taken orally!), a quick saline flush, the next chemo drug and another saline flush.
The possible and probable side effects have been explained to me by the kind and efficient sister Gill…what constitutes an emergency and what is considered “chemo normal”. Reassurance that I’m in good hands, being told that they are all so happy to have me here, despite the awful circumstances.
So, going back to the question… how do I feel today?
I feel STRENGTHENED with all the support and messages I have received; I feel IN CONTROL of the things I can control; I feel FORTUNATE to be having this treatment as I now know some are not as lucky; I feel LOVED having Pete beside me holding my hand and making me remember what this is all actually for and about; and I, right now, at this very moment… I feel at PEACE.
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged”. Helen Keller
“Learn from the past, set vivid detailed goals for the future, and live the only moment of time over which you have any control: now”. Denis Waitley
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage”. Lao Tzu
“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset”. Saint Francis de Sales
janine's life in quotes 
Watching you listen attentively today to what is chemo normal and what is an emergency, broke my heart. All I wanted to do was weep and then take it all away for you, but your bravery and peace carried me through your first treatment. I am meant to be there holding your hand, but today unknowingly you held mine, thank you.
This is the first step, I can see how terrible you feel now, but you still bravely tell me that you are fine and I must not worry. I can’t take this away, or make it better just yet but I can and will hold you hand while you fight this battle.(And unknowingly your actually holding mine too). We still have happy roads to travel and sunsets to share although we’re I’m the shadow of the cloud now, this too shall pass.
There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
Denis Waitley
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Time to focus on those happy roads and sunsets with you holding my hand. So very sorry you have to go through this too xxx
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Your post has me all choked up – as does Pete’s response.
Trying to find the right words of encouragement having a very very vague idea of what you are going through (certainly not from my own life experiences, but being a bystander) is so difficult, everything seems cheesy and doesn’t quite convey what I am wanting to say. What I do know is your are an amazing woman and admire your inner strength that you have shown in these last few weeks.
Your quote by Helen Keller in particular resonated with me.
“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”
― Maya Angelou
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
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Thank you so much Leigh-Ann, you cannot know how much your messages keep me going, especially on the not so good days. Thank you for those quotes, such inspiration!
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“What we’re told creates our experience. If someone had told me before chemo, “This is going to be utterly devastating. You just have to survive it,” that would have been my experience. But somebody said, “You have the opportunity to burn away your past and your demons. The chemo is not for you, it’s for your perpetrators, your cancer.” I would love to see chemo wards become transformational zones, where they’ll work with us on how to use cancer to transform ourselves.” – Eve Ensler
Janine – you brave lady – I have read your blog and you are amazing… you just keep strong and keep writing!
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Thank you for that quote Marion, a totally positive way to look at chemo. I will be reminding myself and re-reading this quote often over the next few months. Thank you for sharing xxx
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